The Night Before Christmas: New Gods Style
by Sean Walsh
Twas the night before Christmas on Apokolips dark
Not a being was stirring, from Mantis to Micro-Mark.
Lowlies were hung near the firepits by head
In hopes that great Darkseid would soon arise from the dead.
His Elite were all nestled all sung in their beds
While visions of subjugation had littered their heads.
With Granny in her stockings and Desaad in the buff
Their disturbing affair hidden well to avoid quite the huff.
When from above Armagetto there arose such a clatter
Desaad arose from his cradle to see what could be the matter.
Quickly he noticed his nakedness exposed,
So he threw on a robe and covered from head to toes.
He ran to the window and looked high and afar
To see what the noise was, up towards the stars.
When what did his wondering eyes see through Apokolips' fires
But a small shining object and eight nearby flyers.
Twas the astro-glider, Desaad had his eye on.
He cursed to himself, "Son of a bitch, it's Orion."
Faster than the Black Racer, Orion and friends came
The son of Darkseid hollered and called them by name:
"Now Big Bear! Now Vykin! Now Fastbak and Lonar!
On Serifan! On Lightray! On...hey Dreamer and Moonrider!"
"Stop with that smooching, you two, and look on!
There's dastardly actions soon to be done!"
The nine of them headed towards Darkseid's great statue
And proceeded to graphitti the dead leader's grandure.
When done a giant clown now towered above all
The nine continued on with reprehensible gall.
With grace Fastbak used sleekness and speed
To enter the Furies lair to do their low deed.
With a slash and a cut and a mood to conspire
He removed all the decent parts out of the Furies' attire.
The Forever People, with razors at bay
Found Kalibak snoozing and started away.
They shaved and they chuckled at Kalibak's expense
Until he was as bare as a newborn babe's ass.
Lightray found Dr. Bedlam, with teddy, in bed
And beat him with a sack of coals until he was dead.
Lonar likewise grabbed Godfrey by hair
And beheaded the persuader, with caution and care.
Kanto awoke and attempted to shout
But Orion had made sure to rip the fool's throat out.
Orion moved on over the assassin's fresh carcass
To visit dear Desaad and Granny at their sinister address.
Desaad peed his pants and proceeded to run
Off to his closet to grab a radion gun.
But too late! Orion was there and laid low the old gopher
And as Granny awoke, the astro-force did smoke her.
Desaad looked at the ash that was once the old crone
He sniffled his nose, full of blood and broken bone.
Orion knelt down and proceeded to dialogue
With a sh*t-eating grin he did show all along.
"I'm sorry tonight has gotten so sadistic and bloody,
But what better time to send you to my dear departed daddy?"
What followed was too evil for words to describe,
but there was something with a candy cane and Desaad's backside.
With that he retreated back into the skies
His comrades joined him along for the ride.
As they left Orion exclaimed with such a great ring
"The King is dead! Long live the King!"