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Darkseid meets Fred Hembeck

Behold Apokalips, in all its glory! (Quick somebody, get an
extinguisher; the planet's on fire!)

[Darkseid is at the top of his palace, watching the crowds in chaos
below]
Darkseid: Ah, Wednsday. Comic book day at last. Desaad, come to my side!
Desaad: Already here, my mighty master.
Darkseid: Gah! Don't do that!
Desaad: My apologies, o' ominous overlord. May I...venture an opinion, my
luxurious liege?
Darkseid: You may.
Desaad (pauses): Sire...you look like crap.
Darkseid: What?!?! How dare you...!
Desaad: Take a look for yourself, my regal ruler.
[Desaad points to a human-size mirror, and Darkseid looks]
Darkseid: I tell you Desaad, if you lie I shall...holy crap!!
Desaad: You see?
Darkseid: By Kirby! I look like I've been drawn by...
Desaad: John Byrne? Mike Mignola...no, he didn't do too bad. Luke
Ross...no, he did a pretty good job too. Who, sire?
Darkseid: By...by...
Hembeck: By me!
[Desaad and Darkseid swiftly turn. A man in the shadows appears.]
Desaad: The Phantom Stranger?
Darkseid: No. Reveal yourself to me, cruel fiend!
[A bearded man enters into the light.]
Darkseid: Who are you, foolish being?
Hembeck: I am called...Hembeck!
Darkseid: Hembeck...Hembeck?
Desaad (muttering to self): Let's see. Lonar... Barda... Vykin...
Forager... Serifan... Vundabar... nope, don't recall ever hearing of
him.
Hembeck: I am not one of you, but rather...a mortal!
Darkseid: A mortal! A mortal has done this to me? And an Earthling, no
doubt.
Hembeck: How'd you guess?
Darkseid: Oh please. Only Earthling dress like that. I tell you, if the
Rannians dressed like that, I'd have that planet of theirs wiped right out!
Speaking of which...(shouts to crowds below) Parademons, come to your
master's side!
Desaad (yelling as well): Yes! You heard the glorious governor of
greatness, hop to it!
Darkseid: I can do this myself, Desaad.
Desaad: As you wish, my terrific tyrant.
Darkseid: And stop talking like that!
Desaad: Yes...sire.
Darkseid: Now, the moment my warriors arrive, I shall have them tear you
from limb to limb, and then your foul trickery shall be erased!
Hembeck: You sure?
Darkseid: I...what do you mean, am I sure? Of course I am! I am the
master of anti-life!!
Desaad: Well...not really...
Darkseid: Quiet, germ!
Desaad: Well, sire, you don't actually have it, so you can't control...
Darkseid: I said, quiet!!
Hembeck: You know Eclipso's got it.
Darkseid: What?
Hembeck: Eclipso, you know, 'god of vengeance' and such. He's got the
anti-life equation.
Darkseid: Really? I would've never guessed...
Hembeck: Of course he's dead now.
Darkseid: Oh come on! He's a god, as am I, and I should know we gods
*never* stay dead! Just like comic book characters.
Desaad: Especially Marvel ones.
Hembeck: Yeah, yeah...oh, your goons are here.
Darkseid: Heh. You truly are an Earthling. For only your race can be so
cool and nonchalant.
Desaad: Uh, master...
Darkseid: Not now, Desaad. I'm putting the human in his place.
Desaad: Darkseid?
Darkseid: I said stop!
Desaad: DARKSEID!!!
Darkseid: Why won't you (looks at his parademons) AAAHHH!!! They're
drawn just like me!!! Curly-Q knees and elbows, and beady little eyes!
All of them! They're no use to me like that, Desaad! Get rid of them!
(turns back to Hembeck) Now, mortal, I shall dispose of you once and for
all. Behold, my omega beams!!
Hembeck: Ha!
Darkseid: What? You laugh in the face of your doombringer?
Hembeck: Yes, I do. Because I know that you haven't killed anyone with
those things for years.
Darkseid (a bit dejected): How...how'd you know...
Hembeck: I've heard quite a lot. Superman, Hal Jordan, Doomsday...all of
them survived. Even Kalibak and the squirrel beside you have come back
from the beams...
Desaad: Hey! I'm not a...
Darkseid: Quiet, squirrel boy. I must...think.
[Darkseid sits down with his face buried in his crossed arms. He begins
to cry.]
Desaad: M-master?
Darkseid (cries out): Oh it's true! It's all so true! I suck!!
Hembeck: Hey now, I didn't mean that...
Darkseid: *sniff* But...but it's true.
Hembeck: Come on, you're a god for cryin' out loud.
Darkseid: But...I never win.
Hembeck: That...well that's a known fact: the bad guys always loose.
Desaad: Except in Empire Strikes Back.
Hembeck: Depends which way you look at it. (to Darkseid) But's that
okay. Besides, you do have redeeming qualities.
Darkseid: R-really?
Hembeck: Yeah. You...uh...you can...um...oh geez...hey, I got it!
Darkseid: What?
Hembeck: You're a guy whose movie character can be played *and* voiced
by James Earl Jones.
Darkseid: Yes...yes! I can, now can't I? (clears throat) "Luke, I am
your father." How'd that sound?
Desaad: Not bad. A little too high, but it can be done.
Darkseid: Hmmm...an interesting possibility. Desaad?
Desaad: Yes, my immense eminence?
Darkseid: Ugh, stop that. Call my agent, and get me the head of Warner
Brothers. I have a...movie proposal for him.
Desaad: At once, Darkseid.
Darkseid: And as for you, Hembeck...I shall let you live, for now. But
if the movie deal falls through, your ass is toast.
Hembeck: Right...can I go now?
Darkseid: Yes, yes. You got a ride? I can have Kanto send you through a
boom tube...
Hembeck: Thanks, but my ride's waiting.
[Brother Voodoo enters.]
Darkseid: Who's that?
Hembeck: Oh, this is Brother Voodoo.
Darkseid: Who?
Hembeck: He's a Marvel guy.
Darkseid: Oh...
Brother Voodoo: You done in here man? I wanna get home to catch 'Home
Improvement.'
Hembeck: Yup, let's go.
[They leave Darkseid's throne room.]
Brother Voodoo: Who was that guy?
Hembeck: That was Darkseid.
Brother Voodoo: Who?
Hembeck: He's a DC guy.
Brother Voodoo: DC?
Hembeck: Oh yeah, that's right. You were never part of any of those cross-
overs they had...never mind.

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